Dave had yet to make his first drug store run for his wife. The other fellows sitting around the table at the local bar knew this important initiation from years of experience. Fortunately for Dave, the guys had talked among themselves and agreed to help out this newlywed in the one area that almost every husband will be required to perform in the course of a marriage.
“So Dave, have you made a run to the drug store for you wife yet?” inquired Charlie, who knew full well that Dave had not.
“No, but I don’t understand why we’re all here to talk about something as simple as going to the store and running an errand.” Dave countered. Why did all old married guys have to make everything sound so chore-like, so dismal and so final?
“This type of errand is something very different. There will come a time when you get handed the ‘list’ and are sent on your way.” Murphy, the oldest of the bunch was the undisputed veteran.
“Or,” piped up Jack, never averting his gaze from the beer glass in front of him, “you’ll get ‘the call’ when you are at work and you have to plan for the run on the way home.”
“Yeah, but the ultimate is when you are out with the guys, say like we are now, or playing your weekly poker game, or watching sports, and you are called to action.” Steve, the final guy at the table had been just such a recipient of just such a call. Many times.
“Ok, so I get a call to go to the drugstore? What’s the big deal?” Dave shrugged.
“Think for a minute, what do you think your wife will ask you to pick up?” challenged Jack.
“How should I know? Probably a bottle of pain-killers?” Dave’s patience was thinning at this grilling.
“Pain-killers, huh?” chortled Jack.
“Hey, that’s a reasonable request, given the circumstances when you think about it!” Murphy knew full well what he was talking about.
“Yeah, that makes sense. Now ask yourself what else goes hand in hand with such an item?” Charlie continued to stare at the hockey game on the large-screen television. Years of experience allowed him to perform this rare feat of male multi-tasking.
“Oh, who the hell knows? Maybe she just wants a magazine!” suggested Dave in a slightly irritated tone.
“Makes sense, since she’ll have some time on her hands.” Jack acknowledged.
“And, you know, it never hurts to throw in some chocolate for those emergencies!” Murphy had practically earned a PhD over the last thirty years.
“I still don’t get what this is all about!” Dave’s virginity was most amusing.
“You dumbass! At some point your wife is going to call you up or hand you a list and ask, no tell you to go and pick up,” Charlie lowered his voice slightly and cleared his throat “to pick up some, you know, feminine protection.” No matter how many times he said it, it just sounded too formal but they would have to break Dave in slowly with the lingo.
“What? No way! She would never ask me to do that! You guys are pulling my leg! No woman would ask any man to pick up that (oh, what a rookie, he can’t even say the formal words and just look at how he barely spat out that) in a million years! My wife certainly won’t!” Dave could hardly believe just what lengths these guys would go to. He was only married three months! “Besides, we lived together for a year before that, she never once asked me during that time!”
“That means nothing. Once that ring goes on your finger, parts of the unspoken vows include picking up rags and plugs when the need arises.” Steve figured a crash course in the lingo was the best way.
“Yeah, now that everything is all official and harder to walk away from I might add, you will find yourself standing in the rag aisle staring at a bewildering array of brands, types and absorbencies.” Charlie instructed.
Absorbencies? The word stuck in Dave’s mind like a song you can’t shake. What do I need to know about…?
Reading his mind, Jack chimed in “You must know that there are different types of things for different days. You got your heavy days, you got you light days and you got your in-between days.”
“Not to mention, the backup.” Steve added.
“Backup? Why do I need backup? Dave wailed. This was going to be harder than the guys originally thought.
“Not for you, for her!” Murphy rolled his eyes. He thought the new sensitive guys of today were far more sophisticated than his generation and knew far more about such things. What did they teach in schools these days anyways?
“Oh, and don’t even dream of coming home with the first thing you grab off the shelf. Women are very particular and very brand loyal. You can’t just dash in and dash out. You’ll have to become very familiar with the entire product offering.” Jack nodded and would you believe he still sat there staring at his beer the entire time!
Dave’s face flushed crimson, then scarlet, then back to crimson as his head spun around with visions of dancing period items. Should he have paid more attention to those ads on television rather than wasting years silently singing ‘la-la-la-I-can’t-hear-you’ in the fashion of one of the many sports themes? Beads of sweat broke out on his forehead.
“Look, we can make this easy on you. We’ll take you on a field trip and show you the ropes!” boomed Charlie while the others snickered but nodded in agreement.
“You guys would do that for me?” Dave dragged his frosty beer mug across his forehead.
“Sure, three weeks from now.” Jack counted off the fingers of his hands.
“That’s about right.” Steve concurred.
“Why three weeks from now?” Dave indeed was a drug store run virgin.
“Because our wives have all been in sync with each other for years, women do that when they hang out together. Now they don’t really, but since we do, the women are synchronizing vicariously through us.” Murphy really did know his stuff!
“I never knew that! But I still bet that I’ll never ever be called upon to do that. My wife just wouldn’t put me through such humiliation!” Dave prayed inwardly as he feebly asserted himself.
Dave’s phone rang, ascending loudly with each ring just as he had set the phone to do. But this time the rings seemed more urgent than he had ever heard before. As he answered the phone, Charlie, Murphy, Jack and Steve gave each other the knowing look; the one that men use when one of their own is about to walk the rag gauntlet for the first time.
Dave fainted. By the time they revived him he barely got the words out.
Super-plus-absorbency.
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