Somewhere in butt fuck nowhere at Basic Recruit Training
Dear Fred,
Things here at Summer Camp Shilo have been pretty exciting so far, and for all the wrong reasons! Oh yeah, hope this letter finds you well and upright.
First off, our time in the classroom has been anything but thrilling, unless you count what happened this morning. Some numpty kept nodding off and finally the instructor, a fierce looking Warrant Officer nicknamed Mudflap (if you took peanut butter out of my diet and the word fuck out of my vocabulary I would starve to death and not be able to tell you) sent this guy to stand at the back of the room. All was fine until the numpty fell asleep standing up, then crashed to the floor (he thundered out just like we were told to, using no arms to break the fall), scattering teeth in all directions like disoriented marbles. There was a lot of blood splattered all over the back wall and the back of a very very very pissed off female recruit. She kneed buddy numpty in the groin for good measure. Looks like he’ll be gumming his IMPs for the rest of the training.
Second, later in the day, our first ‘meal’ and I use the term very loosely here was an introduction to the IMPs I mentioned. We will have to eat them all summer. IMP you ask? Well it stands for Incredible Motherfucking Puke or Instant Mashed Putrid or Interesting Monkey Piss – take your pick. Nothing like chewing on some rubbery mystery meat dated eight years ago or trying to drink powdered sugar drink crap (without the water I might add). But worst is the most disgusting feeling as this weird lead weight sponge of bread hits your stomach with a thud; maybe that’s what the label really meant when it said ‘do not eat’. I would have been happier to eat the freshening packet. Needless to say but I’ll tell you anyways, it was the most disgusting meal ever.
Finally, we spent the rest of the day sorting out tons of kit and filling out tons of paper work. I don’t know how many trees were killed but I must have written my name, my address, my next of kin and every other fucking piece of personal information at least one hundred fucking times. We were also told that there is a severe ammunition shortage since the government thought we could use boxes and boxes of morale boosting Canadian flags instead so we have to go around with our guns yelling bang! bang! for the next few days. Maybe it’s just as well because the army should have never seen fit to put rifles into the hands of some of these morons here.
Well that’s about all for today! I’ll keep you posted on our adventures including the 5:30am wake up call and P.T. fun and games, the first really serious injury (not like the numpty today) like blisters. Only 48 more days to go!
Your pal who wishes they had never listened to you and would rather be working at that crappy minimum wage job after all,
Ralph
p.s. get me the fuck outta here!
pps just kidding, it’s all just a game we keep telling ourselves.
ppps I don’t wanna play anymore.
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